For the Ones Who Showed Us How to Live
“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” - Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
This past month has been incredibly rewarding working with leaders in diverse industries helping them to deepen connections with themselves and their audiences.
But this month also stopped me in my tracks with moments that helped me to take stock of what’s really important in life—moments of gratitude for those who have taught me how to live and ultimately how to leave this world.
We all know that gratitude is an energizer and a positivity multiplier and expressing it not only brings joy to the recipient but makes a difference for those doing the expressing.
Over the years I’ve tested the thesis anecdotally by writing and sending gratitude letters—not emails but actual handwritten letters—to those who have touched my life, sharing what they mean to me and what they taught me. And guess what, the theory sticks. When I receive a phone call or a note back from the recipient thanking me for the letter it gives me even greater joy than writing the letter. Proving that gratitude is truly the gift that keeps on giving. I’ve even saved some of those voicemails on my phone to this day.
But there are two times in my life when I’m not sure the recipient even received my letter and yet I’m still so grateful I took the time to write it.
Years ago I wrote a letter to an actor who inspired me and showed me that acting could actually be a career. Her name was Roxie Roker, and she was my cousin by marriage. I’ll never forget learning that Roxie had married my mom’s first cousin Sy Kravitz. It was the night of the Tony Awards. I must have been about 12 years old. We were watching the show when the Best Actress nominees were named. And as Roxie’s name was announced my mom turned to me and said, “That’s your cousin.” A real actor was my cousin? That took my breath away.
I was lucky enough to come to know her more through family events. When I turned 15, I was traveling far from home in LA and having a hard time and my mom called Roxie and asked if she could help. Roxie picked me up at my hotel and took me out for the day. She was both interested in me and was incredibly interesting herself. She asked me questions and listened to a 15 year old girl’s dreams of becoming an actor. Most important, she showed me that dream could become a real life job. I had never felt so respected and…seen.
My path to my dream was a circuitous one and didn’t start until after I went to law school, practiced as a lawyer, and my law firm went out of business. That’s when I finally took the leap to pursue my dream to become a working actor. I studied acting in New York at the Neighborhood Playhouse and at Oxford and worked steadily as an actor in Washington, D.C. where we lived, but I never thought to thank Roxie for inspiring me. And then my Mom told me she wasn’t doing well and that the prognosis was not good. She gave me her phone number and said, “Pamela just call her.” But she wasn’t well enough to come to the phone. And that’s when I pulled out a piece of paper, took a pen, and wrote her a note about what she meant to me—and mailed it. She passed away the next week. I have no idea if she ever received my letter. But I know how I felt writing it—my heart grew two sizes bigger.
A few weeks ago I was asked to write another letter to a dear friend, Bob Youngtentob, who had spent the last 22 months battling cancer. His wife Linda called me and said he had entered hospice. She shared that she was in awe herself about how he was teaching us all how to spend your last moments on this planet—surrounded by love and laughter.
She asked me to write a letter which they hoped to read to him about the impact he had made on our lives. It was the easiest letter to write.
My husband and I both wrote our letters – mailed them – and less than a week later got the news that Bob had passed away. I have no idea if he received our letters. But I know that writing to Bob about the impact he made on me has helped to heal my heart in the aftermath of his passing.
Linda and Bob are the most incredible people. We met when our children were babies through a mutual friend – and well, we kept them. We were connected over the years through shared community, values, and even loss. Even after we moved far away we stayed connected which to me is the test of a true and pure friendship – miles don’t matter.
Both she and Bob helped me grow my business by trusting me and giving me the privilege of working with them in a variety of ways sharing my skills in storytelling, vision, and presence. But it was how they lived their lives with joy and being truly present for whoever is in their orbit that is the best part of who they are. They are both the kind of people who ask how you are and really want to hear the answer – who make you feel truly seen.
I have re-read Bob’s obituary many times in the last few days and watched him being eulogized by his family but it’s the letter I wrote that reminded me of all the funny stories and details of our connection that I keep coming back to. I have no idea if he heard it – but I’m grateful I was asked to write it. It gave me the time to reflect on a life well lived and how his life inspired me to be the kind of person who sees others, who values all the beauty in the world and who takes the time to actually write the letter of gratitude.
My friend and colleague Kim Weinberg has been writing letters like this since she took on the mission of writing 50 letters for her 50th birthday – now years later she’s written 100’s of letters. She reminded me of this imperative: Write the letter. Mail it. Do it now. It doesn’t matter if the person will read it. It’s the act of writing the letter about someone else that puts their story into the world and that makes all the difference.
As you know each month I like to highlight the work of organizations and colleagues that inspire me, this month writer and coach Paige Williams has published her new bestselling book The Twelve Creative Keys: Unlocking Clarity, Deep Healing and Creative Wisdom for Life’s Next Chapter where she guides women through the in-between seasons of change – when one chapter is ending and the next has yet to begin. It’s a primer for what I’m certain we all can be grateful for - a life well-lived.
I look forward to the opportunity to work with you or your organization to grow your EDGE: Explore, Dream, Grow & Excite®. Feel free to reach out anytime.
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